Dear Latrice,

I know deep down that my husband and I need to separate, but I’m struggling so much with actually doing it.

He’s abusive. He doesn’t beat me, but he’s threatened to punch me, shoved me, hit my arm, thrown things at me, and even threatened to kill himself in front of our kids. He’s kept me from sleeping when he’s upset, and it all started a few years ago.

Over a year ago, we almost separated because of his behavior, but he promised he would stop. I told him if he didn’t stop, I’d leave. Now his behaviors are back.

He accuses me of cheating, even though I’m not, and a few weeks ago, he got angry and said terrible things to me. I’ve been angry and hurt ever since. When I’ve talked to him about it, he says he understands and agrees I have a right to be upset, but then he’ll turn around and blame me for not showing him love since the fight.

I know he needs therapy—maybe a lot more than that—to get better. I also know I deserve better. But as crazy as it sounds, the thought of him leaving still makes me sad.

I can’t keep living like this, but I don’t know what to do.

Sincerely,
Struggling to Let Go

Dear Struggling to Let Go,

First, I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. What you’ve described is abuse, and it’s not your fault. Your feelings of sadness are valid—it’s normal to feel conflicted when leaving a relationship, even one that’s harmful. Let’s focus on creating a plan to help you move forward safely and confidently.

1. Recognize That Abuse is Never Acceptable

Your husband’s behavior—threats, physical aggression, accusations, and emotional manipulation—is not okay. Promises to change without follow-through are part of the cycle of abuse. The fact that his behavior has returned shows he’s not taking responsibility for his actions or seeking the help he needs to change.

2. Focus on Your Safety

The most important thing right now is ensuring your safety and that of your children. Here’s how to start:

• Create a Safety Plan: Decide where you could go if things escalate (a friend’s house, a family member, or a domestic violence shelter).
• Document Everything: Write down incidents of abuse, threats, and controlling behavior. Include dates, what happened, and any witnesses. This can help if you need legal protection later.
• Reach Out for Help: Contact a local domestic violence hotline or support group for advice and resources. They can help you create a safety plan tailored to your situation.

3. Take Steps to Prepare for Separation

#1 Organize Your Finances:

• Start gathering information about your household income, expenses, debts, and assets.
• Use my 7 Steps to Take Charge of Your Money Guide to get organized and understand what you’ll need financially.

#2 Plan for Custody:

• Think about what parenting arrangement would work best for your kids.
• Use my Parenting Plan Worksheet to outline a schedule that prioritizes their well-being.

#3 Define Your Vision:

• Use my Path Forward Vision Worksheet to clarify what you want your future to look like. This will help guide your decisions and give you a sense of direction.

4. Seek Support from Experts

You don’t have to do this alone. Here’s who can help:

• Domestic Violence Advocates: They can provide emotional support and practical resources to keep you and your children safe.
• Counselors: A therapist can help you process your emotions and build confidence to move forward.
• Divorce Coach and Lawyer: As both a coach and a lawyer, I can help you understand your legal options, create a plan, and take the next steps toward separation or divorce.

5. Acknowledge Your Strength

Leaving an abusive relationship is one of the hardest things to do, but recognizing that you deserve better is the first step. It’s okay to feel sad about the end of your marriage while also knowing you can’t stay in this situation.

Final Thoughts

Your husband’s behavior is not your responsibility to fix. You deserve safety, respect, and a peaceful future for yourself and your children. Start taking steps now to protect yourself and plan for your next chapter.

If you’re ready to take control, I’m here to help. Sign up for my email list to get free access to the 7 Steps to Take Charge of Your Money Guide, Parenting Plan Worksheet, and Path Forward Vision Worksheet to get started.

You are stronger than you realize, and you don’t have to do this alone.

Leave on your own terms,
Latrice