My Husband Is Kind to Everyone Else, but I Feel Alone in Our Marriage
Jan 14, 2025
Dear Latrice,
I’m contemplating leaving my marriage and need help figuring out the first steps to prepare.
Here’s my situation: I’ve been married for 12 years, and we have two children. I’m the main caretaker but earn low wages on my own. We own a home together. My spouse is kind in most ways but emotionally neglects me. He says he loves me, but it doesn’t feel like love. Couples therapy confirmed we’re in a sexless, loveless marriage.
There’s no physical cheating, though my spouse has a history of pornography use. Everyone in our families adores him and sees him as kind and helpful, so leaving feels even harder. I would truly be on my own.
I know I need to consult a divorce lawyer, but I don’t even know what to ask or how I’d live on my own. Can you help me figure out where to start?
Sincerely,
Lost but Trying
Dear Lost but Trying,
Thank you for sharing your story. Deciding to leave a marriage is never easy, especially when the person you’re leaving is well-liked by others but not meeting your emotional needs. Your feelings are valid, and I want to assure you that you’re not alone in this. Let’s take this step by step.
1. Validate Your Experience
It’s emotionally exhausting to live in a loveless marriage where you don’t feel seen or valued. Just because your spouse is kind or admired by others doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t real or justified. A marriage without love, intimacy, or emotional connection is deeply unfulfilling, and you deserve better. Acknowledging that is the first step toward change.
2. Practical Steps to Prepare
Here are 10 steps to help you get started:
Step 1: Gather Financial Information
- Collect all financial records, including bank statements, tax returns, pay stubs, and retirement accounts.
- Understand your monthly expenses and income.
- Create a list of shared assets (e.g., your home) and debts (e.g., mortgages, credit cards).
- My 7 Steps to Take Charge of Your Money Guide can help you organize this process.
Step 2: Understand Your Custody Situation
- Start documenting your child’s daily routine, your caregiving responsibilities, and any involvement your spouse has.
- Think about what a custody schedule might look like. My Planning for Parenting Time Guide is a great resource for this step.
Step 3: Consult a Divorce Lawyer
- Look for an attorney experienced in family law and divorce.
- When you meet, ask about:
- Your rights as a primary caretaker.
- How child support and spousal support might work in your situation.
- What happens to the home and other shared assets.
- Any local laws that could impact your case, such as New York’s equitable distribution laws.
Step 4: Research Support Options
- If you earn low wages, you may qualify for financial assistance.
- Look into programs for housing, food, childcare, and job training.
Step 5: Build a Support Network
- Surround yourself with trusted friends or family who can provide emotional and practical support.
- Consider joining a support group for people going through divorce.
Step 6: Plan Your Living Situation
- Decide whether you’d want to stay in the marital home or relocate.
- Discuss options with your attorney—this could affect custody and financial arrangements.
Step 7: Take Stock of Emotional Resources
- This process will be emotionally draining. Consider speaking with a therapist or counselor for support.
Step 8: Secure Your Finances
- Open a personal bank account if you don’t already have one.
- Save what you can to build a financial cushion for emergencies.
Step 9: Protect Your Credit
- Check your credit report to ensure there are no unknown debts.
- Freeze or monitor joint accounts to prevent unexpected withdrawals.
Step 10: Prioritize Self-Care
- Remember that taking care of yourself emotionally and physically is essential during this process.
3. How Will You Live?
You’re concerned about how you’ll support yourself. This is where child support and spousal support come in. If you’ve been the primary caretaker and earn low wages, the court will likely require your spouse to provide financial support. Your lawyer can calculate what you’re entitled to and include it in the divorce process.
In the meantime, explore local assistance programs, part-time work opportunities, or training programs that can help you increase your income over time.
4. The Emotional Journey
It’s normal to feel scared and unsure about what’s ahead. Change is hard, but staying in a marriage where you feel invisible is harder in the long run. Use tools like my Your Path Forward Worksheet to focus on what you can control and build confidence step by step.
Final Thoughts
Leaving a marriage is a big decision, but it can also be the first step toward a happier, healthier life. Take it one step at a time. Surround yourself with support, and remember: you’re not alone in this.
If you’re ready to create a plan and take control of your future, I can help. Together, we’ll map out your finances, custody plan, and next steps to make this transition as smooth as possible.
No more stressing and guessing,
Latrice