My Husband Wants Me to Convert, but I Just Want to Start a Family
Jan 14, 2025
Dear Latrice,
I’ve been married for 3 years, but I’m thinking of leaving my husband.
Before we got engaged, I told him I’d convert to his religion because he is culturally connected to it, and I didn’t have strong ties to any religion. We even took a conversion class together. Since then, I’ve started following his holidays and rituals at home, even though he hasn’t been actively involved.
We’ve talked about having children, but the timeline keeps moving. I removed my IUD last year, and he wanted to wait until the new year to try because of a big test he was studying for. I agreed, even though I didn’t want to wait. New Years Eve came, but he still said no.
Now he’s saying he wants me to convert fully before we try for kids. He never told me that before, and I feel hurt and confused. I’m 35, he’s 32, and I feel like I’m on a timeline to have children. He says he wants kids and can’t imagine life without me, but I feel like he’s putting up roadblocks. I want a child so badly, but I don’t know what to do.
Sincerely,
Ready but Waiting
Dear Ready but Waiting,
Thank you for sharing your story. It’s clear how deeply you want children and how hard this situation has been for you. Let’s work through this step by step so you can decide what’s best for your future and your marriage.
1. Reflect on Your Shared Vision
The first step is to consider whether you and your husband share the same long-term vision for your life together. Use my Path Forward Vision Worksheet to help you get clarity. Here’s how it works:
- Write down what you want in your life, including family, religion, and lifestyle.
- Compare this with what you understand your husband wants.
- Identify where you agree and where there are differences.
Ask yourself:
- Do you both want children within the same timeframe?
- Are you comfortable raising children in his religion? Is he expecting this to be fully integrated into their lives, and can you agree with that?
- If you convert, does that feel authentic to you, or is it something you’re doing solely to meet his expectations?
This process will help you understand if your goals and values align or if there are significant gaps that need to be addressed.
2. Examine the Consequences of Mismatched Visions
If your visions align, you can create a plan together to move forward. But if they don’t, it’s important to consider the consequences:
- If you move forward with conversion but feel uncomfortable, could it lead to resentment later?
- If he continues to delay having children, will you feel secure in the marriage, or will it deepen your frustration and hurt?
- If religion is more important to him than you realized, how will it affect your relationship, parenting, and future?
Facing these questions now can prevent bigger issues later.
3. Open and Honest Communication
Have a clear, heartfelt conversation with your husband about these topics. Use what you learn from the Vision Worksheet to guide the discussion. Key topics to cover include:
- Children: When will he be ready, and what are his specific conditions or concerns?
- Religion: What does he envision for your conversion, and what role does he see religion playing in your family life?
- Timelines: Agree on realistic timelines for conversion and starting a family, so there are no surprises later.
4. How I Can Help
This process can feel overwhelming, but you don’t have to do it alone. As a Marriage Exit Strategist, I help people like you:
- Get clarity on their vision: My Path Forward Vision Worksheet guides you in identifying your goals and whether they align with your partner’s.
- Create a plan: If you choose to stay and work on the marriage, I can help you set realistic steps and timelines to move forward together.
- Prepare for next steps: If you decide this marriage isn’t right for you, I’ll guide you through the practical steps to prepare for a new chapter in your life.
5. Practical Steps You Can Take Now
Here are some immediate steps you can take:
- Complete the Path Forward Vision Worksheet: Gain clarity on what you want and compare it with your husband’s vision.
- Seek Marriage Counseling: A counselor can provide a neutral space for you both to explore these topics and align on your future.
- Set Boundaries: If you agree to convert, set clear expectations with your husband about timelines and support.
- Plan for the Future: If you feel uncertain about his commitment, start considering your options, including what life might look like if you decide to leave.
Final Thoughts
Your desire for children is deeply valid, and your concerns about the shifting expectations in your marriage are understandable. This is a pivotal moment to evaluate whether your visions for the future truly align.
If they do, set clear expectations together and take steps to build the life you want. If they don’t, it’s okay to consider whether this marriage is the right path for you. You deserve a partner who shares your dreams and is ready to build that life with you.
If you’re ready to take the next step, let’s work together. I’ll help you gain clarity, create a plan, and move forward with confidence—whatever path you choose.
No more stressing and guessing,
Latrice