My Husband Keeps Crossing Boundaries, and I’ve Had Enough
Jan 14, 2025
Dear Latrice,
It took me a long time to see my husband’s behavior for what it really is: emotional abuse and manipulation. Once I saw it, I couldn’t unsee it.
For a year, I tried to make him aware of how his behavior affected me, hoping he’d care enough to change. Instead, he was defensive, dismissive, and our marriage continued to go downhill. Eventually, I realized he simply doesn’t care about how I feel—it’s all about him.
A couple of months ago, I started a separation and moved out to clear my head and figure out what’s next. I’ve asked for time and space, but he doesn’t respect that. He texts and calls me every single day.
Last night, he texted, “Good night, I love you.” When I didn’t reply, he texted this morning, “One way to kill a man… take away saying I love you.”
I want to set boundaries and say:
"I’m done taking your calls and texts that aren’t about the kids. I’m tired of the guilt trips. I’ve asked for time and space, and since you won’t give it, I have to enforce it."
But it feels harsh, and I don’t want to hurt him. When I ignore his texts, he sends more, playing the victim. I know he’s still trying to control me. I’m not a confrontational person, and he takes advantage of that.
What should I do?
Sincerely,
Exhausted and Seeking Peace
Dear Exhausted and Seeking Peace,
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, but I want you to know it’s okay to set boundaries and protect yourself. Your husband’s refusal to respect your limits shows a lack of accountability, and it’s clear he’s trying to maintain control.
You didn’t mention whether you’re leaning toward staying married or pursuing a divorce, and that’s okay—you don’t have to decide right now. However, whether you’re considering staying or leaving, this is the time to start planning for your future. Let’s walk through what you can do to regain control and clarity.
1. He Can’t Just Violate Rules
Boundaries exist to create safety and respect. Whether inside or outside of court, there are consequences when boundaries are crossed. You need to decide what limits are non-negotiable for your well-being and your kids’ stability.
- Decide on Rules Now: What communication are you willing to have with him? What do you need to feel safe?
- Think Long-Term: What rules do you want in place for communication, custody, and finances if you divorce?
- Be Consistent: Once you set your boundaries, don’t waver. Consistency is essential for protecting your peace.
2. How to Start Taking Control
#1 Communication:
- Be specific. For example: “I will only respond to texts or calls about the kids. Other messages will not get a reply.”
- Stick to your rules, even if he pushes back or tries to guilt you.
#2 Children’s Schedule:
- Create a routine for the kids that you feel comfortable with and start implementing it now.
- Use my Parenting Plan Worksheet to guide you in designing a plan that prioritizes their needs and can be used if you go to court later.
#3 Finances:
- Gather financial documents, including bank statements, pay stubs, tax returns, and shared debts or assets.
- Use my 7 Steps to Take Charge of Your Money Guide to organize and understand your finances.
3. What You Should Do Next
Whether you stay married or decide on divorce, the steps below will prepare you for either path:
- Plan for Your Finances: Download my 7 Steps to Take Charge of Your Money Guide for free by signing up for my email newsletter. This will help you organize your current financial situation and plan for the future.
- Set a Parenting Schedule: Use the Parenting Plan Worksheet to create a schedule now and establish consistency for the kids. The more it becomes routine, the harder it will be for him to argue against it in the future.
- Define Your Vision: Use the Path Forward Vision Worksheet to get clear on what you want for your life. Whether it’s staying married or getting divorced, you need to be able to explain your choices to yourself, your family, and others.
- Talk to Experts: As both a divorce coach and a lawyer, I can help you explore your options, plan your next steps, and understand your legal rights. Counseling may also help you process emotions and navigate these challenges.
4. Final Thoughts
You have every right to set boundaries and enforce them. Whether you stay or leave, having a clear plan ensures you’re not at his whim. Start organizing your finances, planning for your kids, and defining what you want for your future.
If you’re ready to take control, I’m here to help. Sign up for my email list to get free access to the 7 Steps to Take Charge of Your Money Guide, Parenting Plan Worksheet, and Path Forward Vision Worksheet. Together, we’ll create a plan that works for you.
You deserve peace, stability, and a life where you can thrive.
No more stressing and guessing,
Latrice